The balance of fear

Perhaps the quintessential question of humanity is "what are you so afraid of?"  Everyone asks it.  Everyone receives it.  I can't think of anyone who likes to answer it.

Fear is so complicated.   Sometimes it's easy to put on a brave face; other times, we're lucky just to get out of bed.  It can simultaneously paralyze and kickstart us into action.  It holds us back, it pulls us forward, or it allows us to hang lifeless in stasis.  I don't think anyone reacts to fear consistently, because there external factors that weigh on us: how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about our loved ones, how we feel about people who might not even exist.  Sometimes the factors aren't people at all but instead money, risk, inadequacy, friendship, vulnerability - and sometimes we couldn't identify the factors no matter how hard or carefully we try.

I don't know what today's message is.  I've just been personally wondering what makes us react so differently in similar moments of our lives.  Why did a new job opportunity at 25 scare me so much?  Why does it scare other 25 year olds?  Why doesn't it scare me now?

Why wasn't I afraid in relationships from the past, but in the future I see I should have be?  Why does some of that linger, spilling over into the new ones that come to me?  How much space do I let fear take up in my head or my heart?  How much effort do I spend to let my guard down?  How much energy do I spent, alternatively, to keep it up?

I'm afraid of a lot of things.

Afraid to disappoint; afraid to be disappointed.

Afraid to fall in love only to have a broken heart; afraid to guard my heart from breaking so that I never fall in love.

Afraid of asking for what I need for fear (see what I did there) I wont get it; afraid of becoming someone who can never give anyone what (s)he needs.

Afraid of never having the family I so long for; afraid of having the family I so long for.

Today these things seem less scary, but tomorrow I could wake up with a whole new twist on something to fear.  All I can do is adjust.  All I can do is make the right decisions in the moment - and fret about whether it was the right one at all.

We all have fears.  We all have things that keep us up at night.  All the stupid adages about getting over our fears and doing it anyway --- I don't know what the point of those really are, except perhaps to give us something else to worry about.

Maybe all we can do is just navigate through this life letting today be scarier than tomorrow, or the other way around.  Maybe instead of trying to fight it, we support each other when someone admits that fear is part of their lives.  Or maybe, the only way to deal with fear is to just simply pretend.

When people do you wrong

In the last few weeks, it seems a few friends and I have found ourselves being tested - our patience, our love, and our capability to forgive.  It's become like some sort of surprise exam you didn't know you needed to study for.  The only question printed on the top is "why do you, [insert person of choice], have to make this about you?"

Why do they, indeed?

It seems to me that so many of our friends, our families, our coworkers, our churchgoers, our neighbors, our book club partners --- they have agendas.  Sometimes it's innocuous.  Sometimes I'm not sure they even know it.  And sometimes, it's at the forefront of all things they do or say.

We all have our shit.  We all have these experiences and memories, bad juju or karma, things that paint and cloud our judgment.  There are things we feel self conscious about, things that never go away, no matter how much work we do to make it so.  In one moment, that little bit of confidence we hold so dearly onto can be washed out by these people who are supposed to love us unconditionally.

A friend, who likely means well, can shatter even the smallest glimmer of hope that somebody out there can understand your reaction to something.

A father can latch onto the things you feel the most insecure about, and turn it back on you.  As if, you know, you needed his reminder.  As if, in fact, you didn't already know it on your own.

A boyfriend, a man who is meant to support you, understand you, and value you, asks you a question so deeply unfair that there is no alternate choice but throw up your walls, a decision you will no doubt, hear about again and again.

So why is it that these people you are supposed to love and trust, the people who are filling all of the archetypal relationship roles in your life, can so systemically break you?  And why do the other people around us offer up sayings like:

You can't change people.
You're offense collecting.
Don't take everything so personally.
Your reaction is wrong.
You are overreacting.

I think we ought to be allowed to be scared of our demons, even if everyone else doesn't understand.  I think we ought to feel safe being ourselves, expressing our opinions, our grievances, and our insecurities to those who proclaim they love us.  And we ought to find validation when we are so utterly disappointed by these reactions that break us down.

As there always is, I find myself rolling a lyric around and around inside my brain lately.  A sweet indie Lilith Fair artist sang her heart out about what it feels like to find your own way, only to find that those around you are disappointed in who you have become.  Even my fourteen year old heart was pulled when I heard it, though I didn't know how much of a reality it would become in my thirties.  Her sad and sweet words, grasping for answers read:

There's just one thing I need to get a handle on; 

People can love you, and still do you wrong.

So how do you get a handle on it?  Where is the reconciliation of asking to be loved in your way, and accepting the best love someone is capable of providing?  Where is the line between forgiveness and protection drawn?  When do we get to decide that these people who love us are unable, incapable, or unwilling to give us what we need?  And when we do decide, why does it take us so long to feel good about it?

This is a world full of exams we didn't know to study for.  I challenge you, as the people you love, as the people who love you come to you, don't try to rationalize why you should talk them out of something.

It's hard to be vulnerable and ask for help; so when your loved ones push you, pull them back.  Open your arms and hug them.  Open your heart.  Nothing replaces the need for safety like finding it.  

Insert semisonic lyric here

I'm thinking of the semisonic song with the lyric "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

And I think - sure, it's 2014 now and that's a new beginning.  But it's so much more than that for me.

It's new confidence. It's new job titles.  It's new potential opportunities.  It new furniture arrangements and windows.  It's a new body image, a new hair style, a new life.  It's new relationships and all the risk, and fear, and potential that brings.

It's fitting to remember that new beginnings come from another's end when the year changes and we blow noise makers and toast champagne.  But it's also fitting to remember change is happening all around is, and it's always in us.  The calendar doesn't have to shift to celebrate a new beginning.

Happy new year to my friends, family, loves who are lost in the past, and those loves I may find in the future.  

May you find a new beginning whenever and wherever you seek it.