Questions: #42

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #42: Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

It is  really weird, because my initial answer is "hell no I wouldn't."

But, if I answer an ever-so-slightly different question, the answer is completely different.  Instead of asking if I'd willingly give up my life expectancy, I'd like to answer what I read as the spirit of it.

Question #42: Would you give up ten years of your life to be extremely attractive or famous?

And so, the answer unfolding on the tiny iPhone screen in my hands, is simply: I already have.  

I mean who knows if I've given up ten years or not-maybe it's more and maybe it's less.  I couldn't be sure and neither can you.  But, interestingly enough, I started doing this to myself, and letting others do it too, approximately ten years ago.  

Physical appearance is fleeting, and unimportant --- in my brain.  But beside the part of my brain realizing that undeniable truth is another part, a loud, raging, screaming voice that says: "You are not enough.  The way you look is not enough.  There are times in your life where you are "better."  But even your better body, your better face, your better hair --- that will never be good enough."

This isn't an entry designed to invoke compliments or pacification.  It's merely an answer to the question above.  That answer needs to reflect that I have already wasted away so much of my life to such a shallow topic.  I look in the mirror and see thousands of flaws, and that's only at first glance. 

What does that mean for me?  It means I don't enjoy pictures of myself.  It means I spend a lot of time finding ways to hide all the self-imposed imperfections that I see.  It means I ask for people to take down  shots of me that are below chest height because I don't want people to see me in all the unflattering moments of my life --- the ones everyone already saw anyway.  Or maybe more accurately, the ones that perhaps only I saw.

So while I want to stand here today and say that no, I wouldn't trade ten years of my life for "attractiveness", whatever that actually means, I fear I already have.

As far as fame goes, I guess that depends on your definition.  Vertical Horizon had a lyric:

       "don't want to be famous in life

       don't want to be famous in the world

       don't want to be famous, famous

       i just want to be famous in your eyes"

For any of you out there, the family and friends for who I wish to be famous, I would gladly give up ten years of my life if only you could see me in that way.