Questions: #18

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #18: Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Of course I am.  If we are all being honest with ourselves, aren't we all holding onto to something(s)? 

I don't feel remotely compelled to tell you what it is I'm holding onto, but  I'm sure many of you would feel I should let it go after all this time.  Letting it go would probably bring me peace. 

It would also mean, however, that it won't be a regular part of my life anymore.  I'm not ready to let it go, because once I do, it's gone; quite frankly, letting it go is terrifying.  I think there will be a day when I know it's time.  When that day comes, I feel confident it will fly away into a distance memory; for now, I will continue to keep it close to me.

On the other hand, I think it's pretty ok to hold onto some things, even when it might be better if we didn't.  It's ok to allow things to define us.  It's ok to carry some of that around in your soul, everyday; after all, if you don't keep some of things that hurt you close to your heart, how else will you remember?

Questions: #17

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #17: What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

Hike the Appalachian trail from start to finish.

I don't know what is holding me back. I guess it's because I thought I was supposed to finish college and start a job. Then I bought a house, and had bills like a mortgage and taxes to pay. 

Now it's nearly ten years later and I still haven't done it because I still have bills to pay.

But maybe I should forgo my bills and just hike the damn thing, eh?

Questions: #16

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #16: How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

This is a really good question worth really pondering. I don't know if I'll ever know the answer, but trust me when I tell you it's one of the things in life I wish I could understand inside and out. I wish other people could too.

I think most people believe that what makes them happy will shift throughout their lives, but I don't think that's true at all. Not for me anyway. So to answer this question, I have to start out by asking myself - and answering - what are the things that really make me happy? It used to be a hard question for me to answer, but it's not, thankfully, anymore. 

What makes me happy is simply being part of the world, and living a life that is just a little bit bigger than my small piece of my hometown. It's being part of a circle of friends who let me care about them, and who care about me too. It's driving rescue transport for various shelters so that dogs (and cats!) can have a real chance at a family who will cherish them. It's taking my own girls to the dog park and watching them figure out how to be part of a never-ending pack that changes and shifts as dogs come and go. And it's being a role model for a pack of kids who look up to me, love me, and think they can learn from me --- and who have parents who believe I'm worthy of that role. The truth is though - I learn more from those kids then they could ever learn from me. My family, my sweet sisters and brothers, and their wonderful inquisitive little kids make me beam with happiness and glow with pride. And my own child(ren), the one(s) I haven't met yet but miss so very terribly - well just the possibility of them brings me more happiness than I can ever express.

So why is it that that doesn't make everyone happy? Well I don't know. I certainly don't believe the way I live is the only way to live. I don't think the things that are important to me are more worthy than anything that could be important to you. But I do think the way I grew up, in a close knit, but broken home, has a fair amount to do with me feeling so bound to the friends and family who are in my life. I think losing people who I was close to, friends, students my own age and younger, when I was a mere child myself, has made me overly sensitive to the reality that relationships are important. They mean something. They are something. They define pieces of you that are so deeply rooted you can't imagine how to explain them. And I think the very act of meeting, and loving some beautiful little people has shown me how much good there is in this world.

What makes other people happy? I'm sure a lot of things are the same, but I know many things are different - and the only reason I believe that is that everyone grows up in their own world, in their own skin, with their own brains. But one thing is for sure --- It wouldn't be very fun to spend all my time with all those people I love so dearly if they were all just exactly like I am.

What makes you happy?  Do you know what makes other people happy? 

Questions: #15

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #15: What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

I know that I think differently than many, if not most, people.  I think about things using a combination of visual words and pictures.  Sure, it's language, but what I think is really different is that I don't think the words; I see them.  When I write this blog, or a memo for work, or an email, I draft it with visual words in my head before the words appear on the page.  When I quote lyrics or poetry, it's not that I memorized the verbal words, but I have memorized the way the words are spelled and the order they appear in the sentence.  I feel extreme emotion when I commit those written words to memory, almost as if I wrote them myself first.  And when I read books or magazines, the words rewrite in my head so that it seems more like I'm reading what's in my mind than what's on the page.  If you've ever watched Harry Potter, and you know the scene where Harry writes "I must not tell lies" on his parchment, but it appears on his hand instead then you'll begin to understand what I mean.  It works just like that, except instead of blood and parchment, it's ink and virtual words that only I can see.

When I remember memories from childhood or even yesterday, I remember them in photographs instead of a movie.  Everything is stationary for a while. For example, I know that I don't really remember anything when my grandfather died.  I don't remember who told me he had died, and I don't remember the funeral service.  I suppose we went to a viewing, but I couldn't tell you anything about it.  And I'd imagine my family had some sort of luncheon or something of the sort after it was over, but I'll be damned if I know what it was.  There is only one thing I remember only about that entire experience, and it was very late at night.  I'm not sure what night it even was, but  I was in the car and we stopped at a convenience store. I got out of the car and stood there sobbing, completely motionless except for tears streaming down my face.  I remembering thinking "this is the first time I have cried."  I don't remember what happened next.  I don't remember who I was with, although I presume it was my mother and father.  I don't know if they spoke to me, or when I decided to get in the car.  I'm not sure if I got a drink or went to the bathroom or did anything else you usually do at a convenience store.  That's all I think about when I think about his death.  And that is the case with almost any memory I have.  Big memories.  Small memories.  They are captured in tiny snapshots frozen in time.

I guess I don't know how other people think, but I'm pretty sure it's not the way I just described it.  I've heard people say they think in pictures, but they describe what is in their mind as a continuous screenplay.  I've heard people say are visual thinkers or learners, but they describe a very concrete process of writing on paper, not in their minds.  And I've heard people say they think in words, but I'd be surprised to find out that they the words write themselves on the inside of their skull at the same time they are constructing the thought.

It's my opinion that I do a number of other things that are different from other people, but I find myself believing that much of what I do differently stems from a brain that processes memories and learns new things in the ways I just described.

How are you different?  In what ways do you do things that other people don't or won't?  Are you proud of that?  Do you wish you could change it? 

Questions: #14

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question # 14: Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

I think we have to do two things before we answer this one.

1. Define insanity: something with utter foolishness. (At least, that's the definition if like to use for this entry.)

2. Define creativity: the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.

And let me just say that the definition of creativity is fabulous. But I digress.

I see a lot of insanity and foolishness, in life. I see foolishness in war, in love, in hunger and disease, in strife, in tradition, in religion, and even in social conventions. And yet, when I think about that definition of creativity above, I can say without a doubt that that foolishness is what necessitates change. Relationships must change. Rules must change. Ideas must change. Without creativity, this foolish world halts.

I would argue that almost anywhere you find creativity in this world, insanity set the wheels in motion.

What do you all think? Are insanity and creativity related? Does one need other?

Questions: #13

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #13: Would you break the law to save a loved one?

I don't know.  I think this is a question that can't be answered until you find yourself asking because you need the answer now.  My gut says that yes, I probably would in a number of scenarios; the situation would have to be dire and the consequences of not saving him/her huge.

Questions: #12

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #12: If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

No matter what decision you make, the only thing that matters is you can live with it; ultimately all we have is our moral character. Invent yours wisely.

Questions: #11

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #11: You're having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

I admit it. I can be pretty damn catty. And fickle. 

But there are only a a couple of things that matter to me in life, and one of those things is my people. Don't fuck with my people.

I have no issue telling people to settle down. And even if you were Jesus, I'd tell you to shut your mouth if you talk about my people.

And that, my friends, is the end.

Questions: #10

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #10: Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

There isn't a hugely long answer to this. Doing the right thing is always more important than doing things right.

I always think that if it works out in the end, then who cares how you got there? And ultimately, I have to live with my actions. Everyone else may remember if I didn't do something right; only I have to live with doing the wrong thing.

Questions: #9

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #9: To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I think this is a loaded question. No one really has much control over their lives because shit happens and you didn't ever think, or dream, or wish it would. And that shit that happens changes your life.

So I can control the decisions I make and the way I react to stuff around me. I can control the way I spend money, communicate with people, and the energy I use to get through the day. But I can't control most of what happens to me.
And I don't want to.

I'm not a religious woman. I don't believe in someone who died for my sins, or in multiple deities. I don't think I'm a chosen one or that I am descended from Ishmael. But I do believe there is something out there that is bigger than me. There is some sort of natural order that sets things in motion, and yeah, I have the power to make decisions for myself; the universe, however, has its own plans and all I can do is react.

So how do I pin down the degrees to which I've controlled my life? I have no idea. All I know is I get up and I do the best I can do in the moment. Sometimes my best means reacting to all the things I can't control. And that's ok.

Questions: #8

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #8: if the human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

It's pretty simple.

I wouldn't have stayed with TxB for even one year, let alone 12. I'd have had kids by 20-21. And I would spent the majority of my time doing creative stuff like ceramics, painting, wood working, and collage. Dog parks, day camps, art studios, and coffee shops would be the majority of the places I spent my life.

Questions: #7

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #7: Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

For most of my life, I've settled. I settled for Bs when I was more than capable of As. I settled for an embarrassingly low SAT score instead because I was more interested in drinking with my friends than getting into a good college. So, I settled for Albright College, and don't get me wrong, it was a great choice for me. It only worked out because I was lucky; it's not because I didn't settle. I settled into settling by that point: boyfriends, making very little money for very hard work, not getting married, not having a child, and doing the same thing day after day with no direction.

But I'm happy to say I'm not settling for very much anymore, and when I do, I know what I'm trading. I'm trading more money for working at home. I'm trading a nicer car for one that gets me (and a slew of dogs) from here to there safely.

And somethings I'm not trading at all. I'm not trading my studio for a guest room no one uses. I'm not trading a second dog for freedom on the weekends (who needs "freedom" when you have four big brown eyes to wake up anyway?). And I'm not trading myself and who I am for love or money or show.

So am I settling? Maybe in some things, but being settled in the life I really love isn't really settling all, now is it?

Questions: #6

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #6: If happiness were the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

You aren't going to find a long winded answer to this one. My only answer is spending as much time with as many young people as possible - doing things like camping, canoeing, talking, laughing, fort building, clay working, dog walking, etc.

And, when they are my own young people, I'll be a gazillionare.

Questions: #5

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #5: What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

If I could change anything in the world, it would be the desire humans have to change each other. I'm serious. I want the world to accept and value individuals for whoever they are, and whoever they want.

Just think that through. We'd have less war, less divorce, less estranged families, less judgment about non traditional families, women who work, gender specific issues. Overall, it would make this world such a better place to be.

Questions: #4

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #4: When it's all said and done, will you have said more than you've done?
Sadly, the answer is I will have said more than I have done.

The only consistent feedback in my professional career has always been "you talk way too much." Over the years, I'm way better but I'll never be a woman of few words.

My dad used to say "don't worry about them. If you have something to say, say it."

I'm finally ok with that. Action is important but I'm always talking more than I'm doing.

Questions: #3

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #3: If life is so short, why do we do many things we don't like like and like so many things we don't do?

I think there are a lot of reasons why this happens, but the major reason is pretty simple: we learn it from our parents. I'm sure you'll identify with any number of statements in the list below:

-"Be a grown up."
-"I don't have a choice. Neither do you."
-"Life isn't fair."
-"Don't cry; be a wo(man)."
-"You're not a baby anymore."
-"We all have to do things we don't like."
-"You have to be responsible."

Who hasn't heard all or most of those things? And how old were you when you started hearing them? No wonder we spend our lives learning to put the things we love at the bottom of the list.

But that's just my perspective. Why do you do so many things you don't like? And why don't you do more of what you do like?

Questions: #2

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #2: Which is worse, failing or never trying?

I find this question particularly difficult, and different than the other 49 (of which you have only seen 1) because I feel like there is a right answer implied. Perhaps that is because I wish my answer were the other one. Since the objective is for me to be introspective (and maybe retrospective too), I'll be honest and give you my real answer.

Failing. Failing is much much worse than never trying. To me, anyway.

No one likes to fail, or not most people that I know, but I can only speak for myself. Failure shatters me. It's so much easier to give in, give up, give less and expect nothing than to try with all my might only to find it didn't work afterall.

I want to tell you that trying is more important. That if I reached for the moon but hit the stars, that's ok. That applying to graduate school but not being accepted is character building. That being turned down for a new job just means good experience with interviewing. But the reality is, that's just now how I see it.

I can't be disappointed if I don't try. I might be unhappy, unfulfilled, unstable - but not disappointed. The only risk is the risk of never finding something new.

All the time, I think I should reach for something, look for it, find it, and who cares if it doesn't work out? In 2013, I've started it, and some things haven't worked out; maybe other's will and so maybe someday, if you ask me this question again, I'll finally be able to tell you that never trying is worse. I just can't tell you that today.

So, what do you think is worse? Not trying or failing?

Questions: #1

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

#1: How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Is it a non-answer if I say that not knowing how old I am would cause me to believe that such a determination is irrelevant?

As long as I can remember, people have called me "an old soul". When I was young, I didn't really know what that meant, but I thought I should be proud of it. People would tell me, and I'd puff my chest out and beam. 

I'm not sure if us "old souls" have one solid definition, but for me, I think of it as something allowing me to identify with something bigger than I am. Sometimes it seems like I feel things I never experienced. I know things no one has told me. I ask questions that no one can answer. Sometimes I think "maybe I learned that in some other life."

I'm not suggesting that reincarnation exists, or that I even believe in it, but I do find that some people, me, my rogue eleven year olds, TresPageJr and TF, Queen's daughter, Jip, my father, and his father (and probably his father too) all have some sort of knowledge, experience, understanding that is far beyond our own years.

Age is a measure of time, and time may not be manipulated. By contrast, how old or young someone is measures something else that isn't tangible. For that reason, I reject the idea of chronology, and instead prefer to think of "how old" people are by wisdom that's inexplicable.

And so I ask, how old would YOU be if you didn't know how old you are?

Questions

Have you ever asked yourself "who I am?" Do you know? Do you care?
Do you think other people know who you are? Do you think they know you more than you do? Could that be possible?

Can you be yourself with other people? Can you be yourself if you've never been alone?

Does your personal perception of who you are change who you will become? Are you trying to be something you are not? Are you hiding the something(s) you are? Is there a difference? Do you know what it is?

I have no idea what the answers are for myself, let alone for the world, and yet, I find myself asking these questions regularly.

Why? Because questions are important. If you don't question, how will you understand? Professors, bosses, doctors - they all expect you to ask questions. But do you ask them? Are they thoughtful? Do you answer quickly when someone asks you something? Do you take your time? Does it matter?

I ran across a blog tonight, a brilliant, thought-provoking blog called Marcandangel.com. Read it. Follow it. It will change your life.

One of their articles is called "50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind". You can find it here. Tonight I read through them, and they are hard, difficult questions without an answer. Some of them I have asked before, and some of them have never occurred to me. And so, for the following 50 days, I will have an entry per day with an answer that is, I hope, genuine and thoughtful. At the end, I hope to have learned something.

As I do this, I challenge you to find your own answers, and if you're willing, to share them in the comments of each post.

Nameste.