Questions: #45, #49, #50

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

I am on vacation right now, and I decided, after fretting and dwelling about how this remains unfinished, that it's time to close the loop.  I will be honest - I haven't really thought about the answers to these questions, and so, I write the answers tonight.

For some reason, I accidentally skipped #45;  I will start with the answer to that one.

Question #45: If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

I think about this one all the time, even before this blog series started.  I don't think we can pin this down into one clean or clear answer. There are layers upon layers of reasons, and I imagine individuals and families will have none, some, or all of these --- or maybe many I didn't even think about.  I can't tackle all the reasons, but I'll tackle why this is the case for me.

The first reason I am so scared to make a mistake is because I have some sort of ego-maniacal vision of myself centered around the idea that I'm "better".  It's not that I'm better than other people, not of you, not of my friends or my family - but better than myself.  I am better than mistakes.

The second reason I am so scared to make a mistake is because mistakes often require fixing - and fixing often requires me to ask for help.  We're all intimately aware that asking people for help, especially from people who matter to me, is something I can't stand doing.  To do so means I must admit I'm not enough - smart enough, fast enough, smooth enough, detailed enough - to do something on my own.

And the third reason I am so scared to make a mistake is because mistakes often hurt people.  Happy accidents like pink and blond hair, or picking two unmatching socks are ok, but those aren't the mistakes I'm afraid of.  Instead it's big things like insensitive behavior, getting caught up in a moment inappropriately, picking the wrong boyfriend, or keeping secrets from someone I care about - those are all things I'm so exceptionally afraid of.

The third reason is the worst of all, and no matter how much I try, I realize that I will find myself inadvertently (or sometimes intentionally, though I hate to admit that) hurting the people I love so deeply for the rest of my life.  All I can hope is that I continue to consider their perspectives, and find a way to genuinely ask for forgiveness when it happens.

Question #49: In five years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

I will remember some days in 2013 in five years from now.  I'll remember Feb 26, my ACL surgery date, and all the subsequent help and love I received from friends, family, and Pepper.  I'll remember my mom's 60th birthday, and how all of my siblings came together as one cohesive unit to show her how much we love her.  I'll remember BeachBoy, who I met on my girls weekend - the guy who rocked my world and asked me some tough questions I never got to answer for him.  Though we are not in contact, that will remain a huge part of me, part of this blog series, part of these decisions I've made, and part of my history I can't possible forget.   I'll remember the time I went camping with TF and TresPageJr, and the other time TF and I went to my home at the base of the mountain to see a DP show. I know I'll remember the time I took my Unlikely Friend to the beach for her birthday (and WonderPup tried to eat someone!), and I'll certainly remember when the WonderPup was bitten by a foster.  And I'll remember another day in 2013, a day I met a fun and funny man, nicknamed forever more as Eros, at a little pub in Trolley Square.  What happens with that, who knows, but I think, for so many reasons, I'll remember that night in five years.  Maybe even ten.

But day in and day out stuff?  No, I won't remember it, and it won't matter.  Still, when I look back at this year, some pretty significant things happened.  Some things sucked hard, and some things were amazing - but much of it is noteworthy, even in the future.

Question #50: Decisions are being made right now.  The question is: are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I let a lot of decisions get made for me this year - some at work, and some at home.  And then, I made a lot of decisions that were hard, scary, or just plain unfun.  Sometimes it's appropriate to decide to let people make your decisions, and other times it's not.  I want to believe I'm a good mix of both, and when it's time to make decisions that matter deeply to me, I will have to courage and support to do that.

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This wraps up the series.  I learned an awful lot in the process, even with my long hiatus.  I appreciate everyone's patience, support, and kinds words as I've written these crazy post, and hope that you have considered the answers to some of these questions for yourself.

Although this started as a random exercise, I found that it evolved into a self discovery about not just this year, but previous years of my life - it helped me think through my most tragic mistakes, the people and places that are important to me, and what types of things matter to me about my life.  Sharing that journey with you all has been a test of two years in therapy, a chance to share with you, to give you parts of myself that I have not shared before, and it's awfully fitting to wrap this up just 25 hours before 2014 begins.

Cheers, my friends.  Cheers!

Questions: the end

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

I know. I need finished the series. This post is to let everyone know (and remind myself!) that I need to and will complete it.

And on the heels of that, perhaps I ought to answer another question of my own:

Why do I start things and then stop them just before they are completed? Hmmm.

Questions: #48

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #48: What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love my family, my friends, and my dogs. I love art and music, including my own original playart. I love to cook and one of the most important ways to show people I love them is to cook something for them. And I love to write.

I don't spend all day, every moment or hour, doing something that demonstrates my love. But I do an awful lot of things.

Just recently, I sent something to my little sister that I wrote. I write the answers to the questions in this blog every day.

I spend time with my girls, Houdini and WonderPup, who bring me so much joy everyday. And I am starting to outwardly show my love of the arts, music, performance --- as evidenced right now while I'm writing at intermission during Evil Dead.

It's a good thing when you can think of so many examples of things you love, and ways you show it.

Questions: #47

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #47: When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
The only time I am very aware is when I am swimming. Actually it's one of the reasons swimming is my exercise of choice. Being that connected to my body, timing the rhythm of my stroke with the turn of my head, breathing out the bubbles in a controlled exhale---it makes me feel like I have control over the parts of my body that keep me alive.

I should pay more attention to my breathing when out of the water, too. Or, perhaps I should get lost in the rhythm of the water with far more frequency.

Questions: #46

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #46: What would you do differently if you knew no one would judge you?

I can't really think of anything.   I don't spend a whole lot of time agonizing over what people will think or say or do whenever they see me.  Examples:

*  I made a decision, off the cuff, to buzz my hair, within 10 seconds.  I did it again when I was 26.

*  I graduated from college with History degree and I was a pretty decent student.  Instead of graduate school, I went corporate.  A lot of professors said "I can't see it."  It's ok if they couldn't.  I could.

*  I go places alone.  A lot.  Restaurants.  Coffee shops.  Camping.  I figure maybe I'll meet someone interesting, and if I don't, that's fine too.  But who cares if I'm sitting alone someplace?

*  I spend a lot of time with other people's kids.  A gazillion people don't get why I would volunteer to watch TF or ask to keep TresPageJr for the weekend.  I like kids.  They are honest and fresh and innocent.  You don't have to spend time with them.  Why do you care if I do?

*  I dedicated an entire room in my house to my studio.  I hear "don't you need that room?" "what are you going to do when you have kids?" "why would you do that?" all the time.  I did it because I want it.  I'll figure it out if/when I need to make a change.

*  I have 3 cats and 2 dogs.  I can see people start to roll their eyes when they hear that.  It's ok.  Roll them.  My beasts and I have a good thing going.

*  Some of my best friends are 11 years old.  Some of the other ones are in their 50s.  Nope, I don't think it's that strange, and probably no one else should either.  I'm still going to hang out with my Unlikely Friend, TresPage, Teach, TF, TresPageJr, CloudMan, and JP.  

I know what I do, and why I do it.  Sometimes I do a lot for other people, and sometimes I am selfish and I do only what I need to do.  All that matters to me is that I can live with my decisions day in and day out.  I hope the people I love can live with them too, but if they can't, it's not enough to stop me.

On the other hand, I think that as much as I don't want to admit it, I'm pretty mainstream.  There aren't a whole lot of things that I do that are that different than other people.  Yeah, I'm quirky, but deep down, I'm not all that different.  I just want a good life, good friends, a family, a stable home, a pack of pups who love me, and enough money to live a comfortable life.  That's not so different right?

And so what can I come up with that I would do differently?  My quirky life just isn't that strange --- even compared to<fill in the blank>. 

Questions: #44

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #44: When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

About five years ago. That's when it was time.

But, I've tried to start doing what I know is right. It isn't easy. In fact, it's really hard. I second guess myself all the time. I talk myself out of things I knew ten minutes ago all the way in my core. I'm getting better, but I spent my whole childhood and twenties being taught how to balance risk/reward. It's hard to unwind that just because I'm over 30 now.

Questions: #43

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #43: What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

I imagine there is no one answer. For me, it means more.

More love. More art. More books. More knowledge. When I'm curious, when having nothing to do means I write, or read, or have coffee with a friend instead of losing hours on the Internet, that's living. When I change what I'm doing instead of accepting the chaos in my head, my house, my heart, that's living. And when I look forward to being alone, not because I have nothing to give anyone, but because I look so forward to what I can give to myself, that is living.

Once, I was merely alive. Today, as I share all of this journey with you, I can finally say this.

I am truly living.

Questions: #42

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #42: Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

It is  really weird, because my initial answer is "hell no I wouldn't."

But, if I answer an ever-so-slightly different question, the answer is completely different.  Instead of asking if I'd willingly give up my life expectancy, I'd like to answer what I read as the spirit of it.

Question #42: Would you give up ten years of your life to be extremely attractive or famous?

And so, the answer unfolding on the tiny iPhone screen in my hands, is simply: I already have.  

I mean who knows if I've given up ten years or not-maybe it's more and maybe it's less.  I couldn't be sure and neither can you.  But, interestingly enough, I started doing this to myself, and letting others do it too, approximately ten years ago.  

Physical appearance is fleeting, and unimportant --- in my brain.  But beside the part of my brain realizing that undeniable truth is another part, a loud, raging, screaming voice that says: "You are not enough.  The way you look is not enough.  There are times in your life where you are "better."  But even your better body, your better face, your better hair --- that will never be good enough."

This isn't an entry designed to invoke compliments or pacification.  It's merely an answer to the question above.  That answer needs to reflect that I have already wasted away so much of my life to such a shallow topic.  I look in the mirror and see thousands of flaws, and that's only at first glance. 

What does that mean for me?  It means I don't enjoy pictures of myself.  It means I spend a lot of time finding ways to hide all the self-imposed imperfections that I see.  It means I ask for people to take down  shots of me that are below chest height because I don't want people to see me in all the unflattering moments of my life --- the ones everyone already saw anyway.  Or maybe more accurately, the ones that perhaps only I saw.

So while I want to stand here today and say that no, I wouldn't trade ten years of my life for "attractiveness", whatever that actually means, I fear I already have.

As far as fame goes, I guess that depends on your definition.  Vertical Horizon had a lyric:

       "don't want to be famous in life

       don't want to be famous in the world

       don't want to be famous, famous

       i just want to be famous in your eyes"

For any of you out there, the family and friends for who I wish to be famous, I would gladly give up ten years of my life if only you could see me in that way. 

Questions: #41

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #41: If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

I can't answer this.  And if I could, I wouldn't.  I'd prefer not to rank order the importance of everyone in my life.  To be tasked with such a difficult decision would be heartbreaking.

Questions: #40

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #40: When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

I have no idea how to answer this question.  I've thought about it all day, and I don't think there has ever been a time.  That's pretty sad, huh?

Questions: #39

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #39: Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Not just a hundred times before, but many multiple hundred.

Questions: #38

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #38: Would you rather have less work to do or more work you actually enjoy doing?

Is this a gimme?  More work I actually enjoy.  Always and forever, that will be the answer.

Questions: #37

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #37: If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

I don't think I  would immediately up and quit.  I would probably continue to work until I figured out exactly what else I wanted to do.  That said, I'd love to have time to do other things besides work: volunteer, spend time with family, become a dog trainer, run a business of my own.

Question: #36

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #36: Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

I try not to buy into absolutes, particularly Judeo-Christian labels like "good" and "evil".  In college I took two separate classes, one literature and one history, both challenging me to look the other side of our monsters, heroes, and villains.  JP sold us Joan of Arc and Jesus as villains in their times.  DoctorC asked us to consider the zombies in Mathis' novel victims; afterall, they were being hunted by a loan human different than everyone else.

I've always lived in a sea of gray, but those two classes secured my desire to look at all sides of the story before deciding what the right answer is, particularly when judging someone or something as "good", "not good", "bad, "evil", etc.

On the other hand, I believe most people are generally decent.  We almost always make decisions motivated by fear, grief, love, desire, lust.  Is that good?  Does that make us all good?  I don't think so --- but it adds some sort of baseline human experience to our existences.  It's something we can all identify with. And that makes us all want to say "maybe <that person> is good afterall."

But then there are people who do unfathable, unspeakable, inhumane things.  Those people, people who rape, kill, torture, and imprison other humans-I would absolutely argue that they are evil. And that's without a doubt.

So the answer?  Can I know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?  I think almost everything is gray, and I don't know what is an absolute "good"; but I know evil when I see it.

Questions: #35

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Questions: #35: Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Leaving aside my own personal religious convictions, of lack thereof --- I would argue that the majority of "religious" wars start out as wars about territory and resources.  I'm not prepared to write an academic paper about this right now, but if you give me a religious war, I can almost guarantee a link.

Northen Ireland is about freedom from the UK.  Palestine is about land that was claimed by someone else.  Pakistan is about territory.  

Doing unspeakable things in the name of God is cowardly.  It's inhumane.  And it's a fallacy.

War is caused by people who want what doesn't belong to them.  Or, by people who are sick of losing what was theirs first.  I don't believe any God out there has anything to do with it.

Questions: #34

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #34: Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

I have to say no, that's never happened to me. I do know that I've found myself drawn to people I have never spoken to before. Often it's someone I see routinely but never have the chance to actually talk to. But whenever that happens, it's someone I'm able to observe doing things without caring what anyone else thinks.

Questions: #33

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #33: If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

My pride. My ego. My heart. My comfort. 

But not achieving it is starting to show me that I'm losing myself.

Questions: #22

If you don't know why 22 comes after 32, please review this post.

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #22: Why are you, you?

This is the eternal question isn't it?  There's never going to be a right or complete answer.  And if I ask other people to answer it about me, they won't have an answer anymore complete than mine is.

But there are major reasons I am who I am today --- And it's people, or groups of people, in my life.  It a select few who have encouraged me, guided me, and loved me.  There are four people or groups to mention; I hold all of them responsible for all the things that make me me.

The first is my sweet family - A collection of smart, talented humans with big hearts.  I've never, not once, worried that they aren't on my side.  We fight and fuss like families do, but there's a thick bond, bigger than mere flesh and blood, that will bind us together for eternity.  It's the joys and the sorrows, the losses and the births, the successes and not-failures but big misses we've celebrated and grieved together that makes us strong.  And its the love, the unconditional, unfaltering gratitude we have and good cheer we bestow to one another than has taught me that there are places in which I will never be alone.  If anything could influence who I am as a person, the confidence, the passion, the joy I have in life, the absolute adoration I have for the kids I'm so madly in love with even as they grow older and wiser everyday --- well, my friends, it is that tremendous family who has captivated my heart since the moment I (or they) were born.

The second is the most unbelievably wonderful friend in the universe who has been with me for 20 years.  How can someone who has loved me, unconditionally, and didn't have to, not make me who I am?  My Oldest Friend encouraged me to be all the things I am and wanted to be --- a writer, a sculpter, a crazy lost woman with dreams of restaurants or phds.  You can't imagine what my adolescent years may have been if not for the safety and warmth, the open heart and open door, of my Very Oldest Friend.  And so, here's to another 20, my Oldest Friend.

The third is most unexpected, but happens to be a young teacher with whom I shared breakfast sandwiches, boy trouble, and college fears --- The Rev.  The Rev wasn't a rev back then.  He was (and is) a quirky English buff with unruly hair and sweater vests.  Not more than 27 when I first met him, a mere 16 myself, The Rev took me under his wings and set my academic head on straight.  I should mention, of course, that he helped work through my tortured, awkward love life up, too.  Actually, I guess, he still does.  The Rev sent me straight to my Alma Matar, my first adult home at the base of that tiny mountain I adore so greatly.  At that base, I found myself secure and anchored in the skin in which I was born.  I found a brain that could think, and a confidence in my writing.  I found a passion for the classics, and for Medieval History.  I found, for the very first time, a glimpse of who I truly could be --- myself.  Just me with no pretense of anyone else.  Just me, an awkward young adult with short cropped hair and hiking boots.  Just me, a smart, dedicated student who could think, and work, and dream, and create --- all in the same week.  Just me, whoever that was, or is, or may become. For the first time, The Rev showed me the person I am isn't merely good enough, but instead, is just right.  For that, I will be eternally greatful to that brainy young man with unruly hair and sweater vests.

And the forth is, no matter how much I wish to discard him, TxB.  And get ready, my friends, but this entry has some nicer things to say.  We spent 12 years, many of them good years, together; and so, TxB can't possibly be omitted as someone who has made me who I am.  Even after two years apart, he continues to influence me.  I hear songs by artists he introduced me to, and I drink varietal coffees I never knew about until him.  I fell in love with David Foster Wallace, who is still arguably one of my favorite writers of all time.  With TxB, I found outlets to test out what it feels like to be someone else.  I tested what it felt like to be the breadwinner --- and I didn't completely mind  it. I tested what it felt like to be a drummer's girlfriend --- and sometimes I liked it.  I tested what it was like to be faithful - and not --- and I liked and didn't like a lot if facets of each of those things.  And I tested what it feels like to give up parts of myself that are unfathomable --- and I still hate that.  In the end, what I know, is that I must reconcile, and make those things I dislike(d) right.  I can't undo what was or wasn't, not between us, but I can never again agree to give up the things that mean the most to me in this world.  And so, I won't.  In spite of a tumultuous 12 years, if I am thinking of all the people who have made me who I am today, I have perhaps, the most gratitude towards TxB.  Without him, I wouldn't have any sense of what it feels like to live a life I so passionately hate.  And, these 24 months later, I think I can honestly say that without him, I wouldn't know what it really means to have someone in your life who truly loves you even when he doesn't ultimately love himself.  

Who I am, what makes me me, is a collection of these and other experiences, heartaches, joys, fears.  It's a culmination of love and loss, relationships that have long ended, and those that will never stop.  Those who were unmentioned, are by no means, less important to me.  

But those above, those people listed, have molded and shaped me into all the things I am, and all the things I never want to be.  For those people, I inadequately express my sincere gratitude and love - for it is you who have shown me all that I am.

Questions: #32

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #32: If not now, when?

Whenever it is time.

Questions: #31

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #31: At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Whenever I'm alone in my studio, doing whatever it is I want to do.  I have creativity awakening in my soul when I'm there.