If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.
I will remember some days in 2013 in five years from now. I'll remember Feb 26, my ACL surgery date, and all the subsequent help and love I received from friends, family, and Pepper. I'll remember my mom's 60th birthday, and how all of my siblings came together as one cohesive unit to show her how much we love her. I'll remember BeachBoy, who I met on my girls weekend - the guy who rocked my world and asked me some tough questions I never got to answer for him. Though we are not in contact, that will remain a huge part of me, part of this blog series, part of these decisions I've made, and part of my history I can't possible forget. I'll remember the time I went camping with TF and TresPageJr, and the other time TF and I went to my home at the base of the mountain to see a DP show. I know I'll remember the time I took my Unlikely Friend to the beach for her birthday (and WonderPup tried to eat someone!), and I'll certainly remember when the WonderPup was bitten by a foster. And I'll remember another day in 2013, a day I met a fun and funny man, nicknamed forever more as Eros, at a little pub in Trolley Square. What happens with that, who knows, but I think, for so many reasons, I'll remember that night in five years. Maybe even ten.
But day in and day out stuff? No, I won't remember it, and it won't matter. Still, when I look back at this year, some pretty significant things happened. Some things sucked hard, and some things were amazing - but much of it is noteworthy, even in the future.
I am on vacation right now, and I decided, after fretting and dwelling about how this remains unfinished, that it's time to close the loop. I will be honest - I haven't really thought about the answers to these questions, and so, I write the answers tonight.
For some reason, I accidentally skipped #45; I will start with the answer to that one.
Question #45: If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
I think about this one all the time, even before this blog series started. I don't think we can pin this down into one clean or clear answer. There are layers upon layers of reasons, and I imagine individuals and families will have none, some, or all of these --- or maybe many I didn't even think about. I can't tackle all the reasons, but I'll tackle why this is the case for me.
The first reason I am so scared to make a mistake is because I have some sort of ego-maniacal vision of myself centered around the idea that I'm "better". It's not that I'm better than other people, not of you, not of my friends or my family - but better than myself. I am better than mistakes.
The second reason I am so scared to make a mistake is because mistakes often require fixing - and fixing often requires me to ask for help. We're all intimately aware that asking people for help, especially from people who matter to me, is something I can't stand doing. To do so means I must admit I'm not enough - smart enough, fast enough, smooth enough, detailed enough - to do something on my own.
And the third reason I am so scared to make a mistake is because mistakes often hurt people. Happy accidents like pink and blond hair, or picking two unmatching socks are ok, but those aren't the mistakes I'm afraid of. Instead it's big things like insensitive behavior, getting caught up in a moment inappropriately, picking the wrong boyfriend, or keeping secrets from someone I care about - those are all things I'm so exceptionally afraid of.
The third reason is the worst of all, and no matter how much I try, I realize that I will find myself inadvertently (or sometimes intentionally, though I hate to admit that) hurting the people I love so deeply for the rest of my life. All I can hope is that I continue to consider their perspectives, and find a way to genuinely ask for forgiveness when it happens.
The third reason is the worst of all, and no matter how much I try, I realize that I will find myself inadvertently (or sometimes intentionally, though I hate to admit that) hurting the people I love so deeply for the rest of my life. All I can hope is that I continue to consider their perspectives, and find a way to genuinely ask for forgiveness when it happens.
Question #49: In five years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
I will remember some days in 2013 in five years from now. I'll remember Feb 26, my ACL surgery date, and all the subsequent help and love I received from friends, family, and Pepper. I'll remember my mom's 60th birthday, and how all of my siblings came together as one cohesive unit to show her how much we love her. I'll remember BeachBoy, who I met on my girls weekend - the guy who rocked my world and asked me some tough questions I never got to answer for him. Though we are not in contact, that will remain a huge part of me, part of this blog series, part of these decisions I've made, and part of my history I can't possible forget. I'll remember the time I went camping with TF and TresPageJr, and the other time TF and I went to my home at the base of the mountain to see a DP show. I know I'll remember the time I took my Unlikely Friend to the beach for her birthday (and WonderPup tried to eat someone!), and I'll certainly remember when the WonderPup was bitten by a foster. And I'll remember another day in 2013, a day I met a fun and funny man, nicknamed forever more as Eros, at a little pub in Trolley Square. What happens with that, who knows, but I think, for so many reasons, I'll remember that night in five years. Maybe even ten.
But day in and day out stuff? No, I won't remember it, and it won't matter. Still, when I look back at this year, some pretty significant things happened. Some things sucked hard, and some things were amazing - but much of it is noteworthy, even in the future.
Question #50: Decisions are being made right now. The question is: are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
I let a lot of decisions get made for me this year - some at work, and some at home. And then, I made a lot of decisions that were hard, scary, or just plain unfun. Sometimes it's appropriate to decide to let people make your decisions, and other times it's not. I want to believe I'm a good mix of both, and when it's time to make decisions that matter deeply to me, I will have to courage and support to do that.
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This wraps up the series. I learned an awful lot in the process, even with my long hiatus. I appreciate everyone's patience, support, and kinds words as I've written these crazy post, and hope that you have considered the answers to some of these questions for yourself.
Although this started as a random exercise, I found that it evolved into a self discovery about not just this year, but previous years of my life - it helped me think through my most tragic mistakes, the people and places that are important to me, and what types of things matter to me about my life. Sharing that journey with you all has been a test of two years in therapy, a chance to share with you, to give you parts of myself that I have not shared before, and it's awfully fitting to wrap this up just 25 hours before 2014 begins.
Cheers, my friends. Cheers!
---------------------
This wraps up the series. I learned an awful lot in the process, even with my long hiatus. I appreciate everyone's patience, support, and kinds words as I've written these crazy post, and hope that you have considered the answers to some of these questions for yourself.
Although this started as a random exercise, I found that it evolved into a self discovery about not just this year, but previous years of my life - it helped me think through my most tragic mistakes, the people and places that are important to me, and what types of things matter to me about my life. Sharing that journey with you all has been a test of two years in therapy, a chance to share with you, to give you parts of myself that I have not shared before, and it's awfully fitting to wrap this up just 25 hours before 2014 begins.
Cheers, my friends. Cheers!
