If you want to read Volume 1, you can find it here.
If you like to see my #100happydays album, you can find it here.
Thursday of last week was Day 66 of my 100 Happy Days challenge. That makes it 2/3 of the way complete, which means I owe everyone a blog entry.
If you like to see my #100happydays album, you can find it here.
Thursday of last week was Day 66 of my 100 Happy Days challenge. That makes it 2/3 of the way complete, which means I owe everyone a blog entry.
I didn't mean for the the timing to work out this way, but it so happens this is an exceptionally fitting week for me to be reflective about my life - this week is the 3rd anniversary of a good friend's death. It also happens to be the 3rd anniversary of someone else's decision, which kickstarted my whole new, pretty great life. Both of those events are weighing heavily on my mind this week.
I think of Toni often. In fact, nearly every time I walk into my local coffee shop, I remember how we used to meet for breakfast - the four usual suspects plus my little buddy TF (who was young, and quiet, and at that time, not my little buddy, but I digress). I think of her fierceness, and how she owned not just her thoughts but her space. I think about how she could say something that made the rest of us fall out laughing, and all she would do is flash us an impish grin while we struggled to breathe. I think of her strength, her will, her drive to beat the cancer that ultimately won. That the anniversary of her death happens to coincide with this 100 happy days, I find myself occasionally wondering:
Which ones would she "like" on fb?
Which ones would she be with me for?
I hope the answer is a lot of them.
A mere 38 hours after Toni's funeral, The Breakup occurred. TxB's departure from my life was and is undoubtedly the right thing for me, but in times of anniversaries both good and bad, I find myself stealing moments to remember some of the ways in which he will always be part of me. There are some really great memories of late night Nintendo challenges and coke bottle fights. There are times when I felt safer with him than with anyone else. Then I find myself remembering some other really tragic times, times of loss and struggle, times when I couldn't tell my dreams from his, times when I felt lost unless I got to be Band Girlfriend - because that was the only person I knew how to be. To tell you the truth, I hate to remember the good stuff and the bad stuff - but they are real parts of who have turned out to be, real parts of the wars I still wage with myself. So this week, I remember it all with just a little more reflection and a lot more melancholy. Afterall, I grew up with him.
Needless to say, focusing on happy days lately has been a good exercise for me. It's not that I'm struggling to find joy these days; actually it's pretty opposite. Instead, it's just that looking to find happiness in small moments. and even in moments of great sadness or regret, is what makes my bittersweet life worth having.
All those thoughts above aren't really what I intended to focus this entry on, but I shared it because it's important for me to chronicle the space this occupies in my brain. Happy days, on their own and without context, are merely opportunities for you to look through jagged glass. It's what's on the other side of the glass, where all the moments are actually happening, that make them worth documenting. At least, I find that true for me.
Maybe I should boil this all down, shouldn't I? I think what I'm trying to put into words today is that the last 33 days were a series of tragically frustrating or totally fantastic hours and days and weeks that impacted my mood, my behavior, and my heart. A lot. The way I felt about things swayed a lot, or a little, in mere seconds. Fabulously happy events turned me inside out before I even know what was happening. Challenging co-workers made it extremely hard for me to put work aside after the day was over. Arguing and defending everything I am exhausted me, more than once. Past losses completely overshadowed my heart. Yet, everyday, I thought:
This is the best life I could ever ask for.
And its true. You'd only need to glimpse at what I've posted to believe me. If you did, I know that you'd find a smattering of the best love I could ever have. If you read the words, you'd understand that it's people like my UnlikelyFriend, TF, Roomie, and Spunk that take really rough days and turn them into merely rough hours. You'd see that even in hard manual labor, I can find joy sorting through old cardboard boxes full of dust covered finger paintings and childhood memories. You'd understand how ecstatic I am to have a new little person in my life, someone to love and watch grow up, while I get to watch my little sister navigate into this new role of parent. Lastly, you'd see that the beasts who take up residence in my home take up even more residence in my heart. What you'd see, my friends, is my life.
It's the very same life I had 66 days ago. It's the very same life I'll have when 100 days have come and gone. In a rough 33 day period, I found myself so incredibly grateful that there are people who love me not just in spite of my shortcomings, but perhaps because they are just part of what you get when you get me. In my good days, and in my really ugly bad days, it's clear to me that finding happiness is really about finding love and laughter without being anyone other who i Am.
