Questions: #48

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #48: What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love my family, my friends, and my dogs. I love art and music, including my own original playart. I love to cook and one of the most important ways to show people I love them is to cook something for them. And I love to write.

I don't spend all day, every moment or hour, doing something that demonstrates my love. But I do an awful lot of things.

Just recently, I sent something to my little sister that I wrote. I write the answers to the questions in this blog every day.

I spend time with my girls, Houdini and WonderPup, who bring me so much joy everyday. And I am starting to outwardly show my love of the arts, music, performance --- as evidenced right now while I'm writing at intermission during Evil Dead.

It's a good thing when you can think of so many examples of things you love, and ways you show it.

Questions: #47

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #47: When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
The only time I am very aware is when I am swimming. Actually it's one of the reasons swimming is my exercise of choice. Being that connected to my body, timing the rhythm of my stroke with the turn of my head, breathing out the bubbles in a controlled exhale---it makes me feel like I have control over the parts of my body that keep me alive.

I should pay more attention to my breathing when out of the water, too. Or, perhaps I should get lost in the rhythm of the water with far more frequency.

Questions: #46

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #46: What would you do differently if you knew no one would judge you?

I can't really think of anything.   I don't spend a whole lot of time agonizing over what people will think or say or do whenever they see me.  Examples:

*  I made a decision, off the cuff, to buzz my hair, within 10 seconds.  I did it again when I was 26.

*  I graduated from college with History degree and I was a pretty decent student.  Instead of graduate school, I went corporate.  A lot of professors said "I can't see it."  It's ok if they couldn't.  I could.

*  I go places alone.  A lot.  Restaurants.  Coffee shops.  Camping.  I figure maybe I'll meet someone interesting, and if I don't, that's fine too.  But who cares if I'm sitting alone someplace?

*  I spend a lot of time with other people's kids.  A gazillion people don't get why I would volunteer to watch TF or ask to keep TresPageJr for the weekend.  I like kids.  They are honest and fresh and innocent.  You don't have to spend time with them.  Why do you care if I do?

*  I dedicated an entire room in my house to my studio.  I hear "don't you need that room?" "what are you going to do when you have kids?" "why would you do that?" all the time.  I did it because I want it.  I'll figure it out if/when I need to make a change.

*  I have 3 cats and 2 dogs.  I can see people start to roll their eyes when they hear that.  It's ok.  Roll them.  My beasts and I have a good thing going.

*  Some of my best friends are 11 years old.  Some of the other ones are in their 50s.  Nope, I don't think it's that strange, and probably no one else should either.  I'm still going to hang out with my Unlikely Friend, TresPage, Teach, TF, TresPageJr, CloudMan, and JP.  

I know what I do, and why I do it.  Sometimes I do a lot for other people, and sometimes I am selfish and I do only what I need to do.  All that matters to me is that I can live with my decisions day in and day out.  I hope the people I love can live with them too, but if they can't, it's not enough to stop me.

On the other hand, I think that as much as I don't want to admit it, I'm pretty mainstream.  There aren't a whole lot of things that I do that are that different than other people.  Yeah, I'm quirky, but deep down, I'm not all that different.  I just want a good life, good friends, a family, a stable home, a pack of pups who love me, and enough money to live a comfortable life.  That's not so different right?

And so what can I come up with that I would do differently?  My quirky life just isn't that strange --- even compared to<fill in the blank>. 

Questions: #44

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #44: When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

About five years ago. That's when it was time.

But, I've tried to start doing what I know is right. It isn't easy. In fact, it's really hard. I second guess myself all the time. I talk myself out of things I knew ten minutes ago all the way in my core. I'm getting better, but I spent my whole childhood and twenties being taught how to balance risk/reward. It's hard to unwind that just because I'm over 30 now.

Questions: #43

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #43: What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

I imagine there is no one answer. For me, it means more.

More love. More art. More books. More knowledge. When I'm curious, when having nothing to do means I write, or read, or have coffee with a friend instead of losing hours on the Internet, that's living. When I change what I'm doing instead of accepting the chaos in my head, my house, my heart, that's living. And when I look forward to being alone, not because I have nothing to give anyone, but because I look so forward to what I can give to myself, that is living.

Once, I was merely alive. Today, as I share all of this journey with you, I can finally say this.

I am truly living.

Questions: #42

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #42: Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

It is  really weird, because my initial answer is "hell no I wouldn't."

But, if I answer an ever-so-slightly different question, the answer is completely different.  Instead of asking if I'd willingly give up my life expectancy, I'd like to answer what I read as the spirit of it.

Question #42: Would you give up ten years of your life to be extremely attractive or famous?

And so, the answer unfolding on the tiny iPhone screen in my hands, is simply: I already have.  

I mean who knows if I've given up ten years or not-maybe it's more and maybe it's less.  I couldn't be sure and neither can you.  But, interestingly enough, I started doing this to myself, and letting others do it too, approximately ten years ago.  

Physical appearance is fleeting, and unimportant --- in my brain.  But beside the part of my brain realizing that undeniable truth is another part, a loud, raging, screaming voice that says: "You are not enough.  The way you look is not enough.  There are times in your life where you are "better."  But even your better body, your better face, your better hair --- that will never be good enough."

This isn't an entry designed to invoke compliments or pacification.  It's merely an answer to the question above.  That answer needs to reflect that I have already wasted away so much of my life to such a shallow topic.  I look in the mirror and see thousands of flaws, and that's only at first glance. 

What does that mean for me?  It means I don't enjoy pictures of myself.  It means I spend a lot of time finding ways to hide all the self-imposed imperfections that I see.  It means I ask for people to take down  shots of me that are below chest height because I don't want people to see me in all the unflattering moments of my life --- the ones everyone already saw anyway.  Or maybe more accurately, the ones that perhaps only I saw.

So while I want to stand here today and say that no, I wouldn't trade ten years of my life for "attractiveness", whatever that actually means, I fear I already have.

As far as fame goes, I guess that depends on your definition.  Vertical Horizon had a lyric:

       "don't want to be famous in life

       don't want to be famous in the world

       don't want to be famous, famous

       i just want to be famous in your eyes"

For any of you out there, the family and friends for who I wish to be famous, I would gladly give up ten years of my life if only you could see me in that way. 

Questions: #41

If you're not familiar with this series of posts, and you want to catch up, the introduction is here.

Question #41: If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

I can't answer this.  And if I could, I wouldn't.  I'd prefer not to rank order the importance of everyone in my life.  To be tasked with such a difficult decision would be heartbreaking.