Last year, a new tradition was born. The last couple of days of the year, I started thinking about what was the most amazing parts of the year were, and what pain led me to it. I let the things that no longer serve me, the heartache, the obliteration of The Things I Thought Might Be all burn into ash. When it completed, the ash reminded me not to forget, and the new blaze reminded me how much fire was left inside me and my life. I used it to launch a pretty fantastic 2017.
2016 was, unequivocally, most difficult year of my life, and yet 2017 has brought me the most transition. It seems to have set me up for some of what life might look like.
Relationships ended and started (or rekindled briefly, then ended again) in 2017. Those (re)starts are always wonderfully energetic, and as we all know, the goodbye parts are never fun; each of them taught me, however, a lot about who I am and what I'm here to do. The destruction influenced (award-winning) art, especially Chaos. It's not just Chaos in the environment we should talk about it - but it's that that we seal our unsightly or outlandish thoughts and hearts up and away. Someone, an outsider or ourselves, pick a "place" where that goes, and we package it up neatly in a little boundary, were we expect it to stay for always. That series, however, reminded me how much these things never have to stay there. A broken relationship did that for me, and I'm so sorry for the pain it caused everyone, but couldn't be more thankful it's part of my story now. The things I learned from relationships this year, and not just romantic ones, brought me several other works that I'm infinitely proud of: Negative Space, Un-Broken, Consciousness, and a series I haven't spoken much of yet ---- Falling From Grace.
A notable part of 2017 - my people are here, and safe. That isn't lost on me, and it's not a mere platitude. KittyKat is here, well and alive, and friends, what a blessing that is. 2017 reminded me not to take people for granted. We have had the additions of HoeBaby3, and HoeBaby2 and HoeBaby3 continue to grow into independent, loving, funny little humans who challenge me (and their parents for sure) to be better everyday. My parents age, but gracefully, and I've become keenly aware of how we change as we grow older. How grateful I am to have them and their support, regardless of how we fight or fuss. How grateful I am, that as far as I can tell, my daughter will know and love all three of them, and remember them fondly.
The most exciting parts of 2017 are the ways my community and family has expanded this year, or the ways I'm planning for it very soon. What a blessing I found at the UU community. I'm thrilled to be there, and find people who push me to think critically about justice, truth, and meaning.
Of course, as we know, there is the expansion of my personal household family! I started forming it nearly 13 years ago when I brought Haylie home, but I took the first tangible steps to become a parent to a human this year. After years of thought, false starts, and sudden stops, this is a real thing I'm doing. Me. A parent. With an impending baby to come. It's insane, and fantastic. It's important to note, however, that process to apply and be approved taught me some amazing lessons about forgiving ourselves and our people. As other things this year did, the process humbled me. At each turn, I found that every person in my life, even acquaintances, colleagues, or near-strangers, want to help. Pictures taken, letters written, countless edits given for draft upon draft, bags of gently used clothes or toys dropped off for our use, artwork that is just what I want for the nursery bought. What an amazing community I have. Thank you, dearly, from the bottom of my heart.
I'll burn down a lot of things this year, but literally none of what I love best about 2017 could have been without it. I took steps this year to make my life be what I want because, as it turns out, you can't wait for other people to give it to you. Not a lover, even the ones you thought would be forever, not a best friend, not your employer, not your art teacher. If you want it, you make it so. I know how much help and love I have, and without it, I couldn't be here; but it all started with my our own first steps I finally chose to take.
Burn down the heartache, the wish that things could be different. Turn the love you still have for something that hurts you tragically into Nothing usable (but let is stay visible, like ash). Burn down what seems like dead weight. Burn down what the world asked you to be, but you hate. Let that fire rage, friends, hot and vivid, and then take peace and comfort in how gently the embers glow when it's all over. Let the red hot stirrings of what could be guide you in 2018.
Thank you for being part of my wonderful year. I love each and every one of you.
I wish you love, peace, strength, joy, and, if i'm honest, heartache that will heal you sometime later - all for 2018.
And now, I have a fire to tend to.
2016 was, unequivocally, most difficult year of my life, and yet 2017 has brought me the most transition. It seems to have set me up for some of what life might look like.
Relationships ended and started (or rekindled briefly, then ended again) in 2017. Those (re)starts are always wonderfully energetic, and as we all know, the goodbye parts are never fun; each of them taught me, however, a lot about who I am and what I'm here to do. The destruction influenced (award-winning) art, especially Chaos. It's not just Chaos in the environment we should talk about it - but it's that that we seal our unsightly or outlandish thoughts and hearts up and away. Someone, an outsider or ourselves, pick a "place" where that goes, and we package it up neatly in a little boundary, were we expect it to stay for always. That series, however, reminded me how much these things never have to stay there. A broken relationship did that for me, and I'm so sorry for the pain it caused everyone, but couldn't be more thankful it's part of my story now. The things I learned from relationships this year, and not just romantic ones, brought me several other works that I'm infinitely proud of: Negative Space, Un-Broken, Consciousness, and a series I haven't spoken much of yet ---- Falling From Grace.
A notable part of 2017 - my people are here, and safe. That isn't lost on me, and it's not a mere platitude. KittyKat is here, well and alive, and friends, what a blessing that is. 2017 reminded me not to take people for granted. We have had the additions of HoeBaby3, and HoeBaby2 and HoeBaby3 continue to grow into independent, loving, funny little humans who challenge me (and their parents for sure) to be better everyday. My parents age, but gracefully, and I've become keenly aware of how we change as we grow older. How grateful I am to have them and their support, regardless of how we fight or fuss. How grateful I am, that as far as I can tell, my daughter will know and love all three of them, and remember them fondly.
The most exciting parts of 2017 are the ways my community and family has expanded this year, or the ways I'm planning for it very soon. What a blessing I found at the UU community. I'm thrilled to be there, and find people who push me to think critically about justice, truth, and meaning.
Of course, as we know, there is the expansion of my personal household family! I started forming it nearly 13 years ago when I brought Haylie home, but I took the first tangible steps to become a parent to a human this year. After years of thought, false starts, and sudden stops, this is a real thing I'm doing. Me. A parent. With an impending baby to come. It's insane, and fantastic. It's important to note, however, that process to apply and be approved taught me some amazing lessons about forgiving ourselves and our people. As other things this year did, the process humbled me. At each turn, I found that every person in my life, even acquaintances, colleagues, or near-strangers, want to help. Pictures taken, letters written, countless edits given for draft upon draft, bags of gently used clothes or toys dropped off for our use, artwork that is just what I want for the nursery bought. What an amazing community I have. Thank you, dearly, from the bottom of my heart.
I'll burn down a lot of things this year, but literally none of what I love best about 2017 could have been without it. I took steps this year to make my life be what I want because, as it turns out, you can't wait for other people to give it to you. Not a lover, even the ones you thought would be forever, not a best friend, not your employer, not your art teacher. If you want it, you make it so. I know how much help and love I have, and without it, I couldn't be here; but it all started with my our own first steps I finally chose to take.
Burn down the heartache, the wish that things could be different. Turn the love you still have for something that hurts you tragically into Nothing usable (but let is stay visible, like ash). Burn down what seems like dead weight. Burn down what the world asked you to be, but you hate. Let that fire rage, friends, hot and vivid, and then take peace and comfort in how gently the embers glow when it's all over. Let the red hot stirrings of what could be guide you in 2018.
Thank you for being part of my wonderful year. I love each and every one of you.
I wish you love, peace, strength, joy, and, if i'm honest, heartache that will heal you sometime later - all for 2018.
And now, I have a fire to tend to.
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